connecting

Feelin’ it...or not feelin’ it? I scan my body for signs of breasts that don’t want to be touched, a uterus that’s busy making a spot for an embryo, breathing that takes more effort, and a throat that has a hard time keeping food down. I felt these things the first week, perhaps from the meds, perhaps not. Now I don’t feel them at all. I cleaned Saturday… perhaps too much? Ah! There I go again, blaming me for somehow causing the potential lack of a burrowing embryo, a connection too thin and tenuous between her cells and mine.

So I decided to connect with myself last night by meditating at Spirit Rock, with zen master Ed Brown who made me laugh like my closest friends. One of my biggest challenges while going through a cycle is navigating the lands between accepting what’s happening (not forcing things) and desiring, wishing for the big outcome. Sometimes letting go leaves me flat and not 100% authentic and not 100% feeling (perhaps another word for that is denial?).

I needed to let my feelings (all of them) in, and out. I cried a little, leftover tears for the embryos that came before. And a bittersweet appreciation for my body, which has been through so much.

I left with a smile on my face and in my heart. Wherever I'm going, I'm feeling a bit more connected. And more authentic.



...by the way, you may be interested in great little movie featuring Ed Brown, called "How to Cook your Life"

photo: Stairs, Chiapas, Mexico.