Thursday, April 29, 2010

What if?

What if buying our house means we can't have a baby?? Because, for us, we can't just have a baby, we need to buy the opportunity for one.

I feel guilt, to be honest, that I put my wants above our plans for a family. But heck, I've been a renter my entire life. I took it as a sign to say yes to the house when the call saying our offer was accepted came just 30 minutes after the news of the miscarriage. One big NO (baby), one big YES (house).

"Walk through the open door," I told myself. Just go.

Though our quest for mommy and daddyhood may still work out, adoption and surrogacy are paths that require huge investments of time and money, both of which which we are running out of.

As we get older, it seems that our life choices can become more limiting, and options come down to this OR that. Not this AND that one later. I think we are already in 'later.' In fact, later may have already happened. I don't know what's next, and that's the scariest part of all. At least while you're in the middle of infertility treatment cycles and trying, it feels as if you are moving forward. Now we are in a space of not knowing what's next.

The facts: we've spent (it's hard to add it up -- it frightens me) something like $60,000 and 9 years of our lives. Years that I put my career last, and put my health and body and trying for a baby first. Almost a DECADE. And we are inching close to being out of money and out of time.

What if infertility treatments gave me too much of an illusion of control of where my life would go?

But better yet: What if my life will turn out exactly as it should?

This, my friends, is what I believe today.

This post is part of the WHAT IF project, part of National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24th–May 1st).Read more about how infertility affects the lives of women on this blog For more information on infertility, go to infertility101, and for info on National Infertility Awareness Week,

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


She's amazing, my friend M. Single mom, 2 kids, horse lover and country music dancer. She has breast cancer. Or more accurately, she HAD breast cancer. Diagnosed last year, she's lost one breast, and had many rounds of radiation. When I saw her walk up the stairs, after not seeing her for two years (while she faced her cancer and I faced my miscarriage), we held on to each other, just holding and holding. I was so grateful to see her sunny face, I cried.

I extended my visit to stay with her, mistakenly thinking her breast reconstruction surgery was the following day (it was the next week). When her son found out, he said,

"Mommy, did she stay to take care of you?"
"Yes, Tyler".
"Tell her thank you."
"Yes, Tyler -- I did say thank you."
"No mommy, I mean tell her thank you from TYLER!".

It's these moments with children that really bring up the love quotient. It's these moments I crave. It's these moments that make we want to have my own children.

And M, bless her heart, offered to be a surrogate for our embryos. Can you believe her!! I'm in love with M, with her big heart, her blonde hair, her horse tatoo, her lat muscle that is now her pec muscle. Of course, the surrogacy won't work -- estrogen is the LAST thing her body needs right now. But as they say, it's the thought that counts. And what a giving, generous, inspiring thought that is.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

sounds of change

no! I have not disappeared. At mom's place, dealing with a bathroom water leak, and now I"m home, packing packing packing and ... well, packing.

Three burly men will help us drag too much stuff on Saturday to the new place.

We're all nostalgic already. Lest I forget some of the sounds of home -- here's a few:

1. squirrel feet running across the roof, and FAST.
2. the sounds of the park: "Fido, SIT. I said SIT. FIDO, SIT!!!! FIDO I SAID COME HERE!!!! " Fido never seemes to want to listen!
3. the dove, cooing every morning
4. the boom of fireworks on special game nights
5. the australian coaches with their cute accents teaching little kids sports
6. the sound of snails being crushed on the wooden walkway by people feet.
7. kids chatting on their way to school.
8. doggie arguments, ruff ruff.
9. the high sounds of terns in the park in the middle of the night
10. the dependable sound of the train, every morning.
11. Mariachi music at Mexican weddings; old, sometimes bad, rock and roll for the baseball games.
12. bits and pieces of a gazillion conversations as people walk, run, skate and stroll by.

time to make way for new sounds
and new beginnings!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

view from the window

Joyful. Without judgement. Being of service. Strong in what's right. Ask me anything, my answer is love. Not fear, not 'better than'.

While these things sound quite doable, why is it so hard to live them?

Easter Sunday reminded me to no longer seek life from dead behaviors. It reminded to to LIVE life, and quit with being guarded or unconscious. LIVE life, before it passes me by. Not that I'm a slug, don't get me wrong, it's just that miscarriage #2 (and getting old) can't help but raise the age-old question: so what am I doing here?? What is my purpose?

What's yours?????