P or not P

To recap:

The doctor said the embryos were good, but not top grade. He said we should really consider a gestational carrier because the chances of me getting and more importantly staying pregnant were so slim. Against his and by ob/gyn's advice, we figured we'd try anyway. Why not; the cost is low; we may as well play this out. If it doesn’t work, so be it. At least we will have tried.

This cycle, I only did 2 acupuncture sessions before the embryo transfer, and haven’t been doing my nightly meditations.

This cycle, I really let go of expectations.

This cycle I went beyond thinking “any outcome is fine with me” and really believed it.

Before this cycle, I ventured into new territory, and pictured by life without a baby, without raising a family. I put other images into the photo album of my future. Pictures of retiring early, and joining the Foreign Service, so my man and I could enjoy more travelling adventures. Pictures of finally being done with the fertility journey. No more shots, no more wondering wishing hoping, no more miscarriages, no more lack of wine and caffeine and exercise and plane trips. Pictures of a new home, filled with laughter and ease and friends and family visits. Pictures of good health and fun dinner parties.

He got the call Friday with the test results.

I’m pregnant. Highest number yet for the first P-test of all the times we’ve tried.

I’m freaking out. I’m intolerant of my man’s actions. I’m worried that he can’t handle this, that I can’t handle this, that this is all a mistake. What was I thinking? I’m too old for this. There’s a reason this hasn’t happened. Be careful what you wish for.

What’s the lesson here: you don’t get what you want until you don’t want it anymore???? I’m so sorry to admit all this to you, I’m sorry I’m not brimming with wide-eyed excitement. What’s wrong with me?

Maybe this is hormones talking, I don’t know.

But boy, could I use a glass of cabernet.

Photo: Half Reality: Sculptures by the Sea, Sydney Australia, 2009