Testing, testing.....

Just another poke, after the 2 pokes last night, and the pokes every night – shots to support my body and the embryos.

Today’s poke is the tell:
Am I pregnant or not?
Truthfully, I’ve been avoiding the question all week. I kind of shut down when I stopped feeling pregnant. But there’s really no way of knowing, it’s possible to not feel symptoms yet.

Here’s the real truth:
I’m mad. I’m just plain mad, underneath my tired optimism and my level-headedness. I feel betrayed by doctors, by modern western medicine, by acupuncture, and by my own body. I feel foolish, hopping on the embryo transfer bandwagon when I’ve been unsuccessful so many years and so many times. Trying AGAIN? Yes, a glutton for … something. Oh, I know, a baby! A family! Contributing to a new life!

My man has been supportive. Chipper, even. I can hardly take it. But it’s good, really. He’s optimistic for both of us, since I’m on E. My needle is way to the left, the reserves low. In fact, I think I'm ready to pass clear over to the other side; a side where the needle isn’t red on a black background, but it’s open sky, full of possibility, and transparent, and tastes like warm summer strawberries and feels like soft clover between my toes. Somewhere where my heart remains truly open, without the effort it takes today.

Oh look… the sun just came out.

photo: Children in market halls, Oaxaca Mexico, 2008. Had so much fun playing with these kids.