Thursday, February 17, 2011

a message

Why? She asked me.
The words that came out of us (over a champagne lunch) were: love, awesome mom, obsessed, let go, sorry, and yes - another glass of wine, please.

My best friend was trying so hard to understand my choices and my drive to have a baby, to have a family. Maybe to people outside of the IF circle it does seem a bit crazy and obsessed. It still stung a little to hear the word. Obsessed. Really? Me? The person who didn't even know she wanted a family until too late?

When you choose what you want to create, must you answer "why?" Can it simply be something you know, like you know you like chocolate, or you know you like the beach better than the mountain. I can't say I dreamt of it all my life, nor that I always knew it would happen. For me, the child question was either a bit of a blank space or at times, a no. Until the day I closed my eyes, and really asked myself, deep inside, and saw in my mind's eye a little arm reaching out.

I still haven't gone deep with myself to check in, as if I'm afraid of the answer. I don't know that the little arm will still be there. But just maybe it will be something else, something that will point me in the right direction.

I'm sorry ya'll! I still have not let go of motherhood, but also haven't moved forward to make anything happen. Still in limbo. So that's why I haven't written. But I'm back, and writing helps me clear my head. Thanks for allowing me this space to ask, and answer, some important questions.