Tuesday, June 28, 2011

It’s getting bright in here

My chiropractor, bless his heart, wants to support my photography – so he asked for prints for his new office, saying he wants to display them and sell them and tell his clients how wonderful I am.

I brought over 2 boxes of framed prints, about a dozen images. Seeing them altogether like that was eye-opening. The oldest one (about 4 years old) “Dancers at the Guelaguetza” was bold and bright and full of action. The ones a few years ago were dark. Beautiful, yes, but many taken at night, many showing the strange beauty of isolation:  light on a lone tree, no people. I’ll say the word I’m thinking: barren.

Recent images are dreamy, like the people and plants and picnic benches are waking up. There’s color, but it’s subdued. Gentle, soft, easy on the eyes, intriguing, the ballet dancers think about their next move, or maybe what they’ll have for lunch. The picnic bench awaits for someone to take a seat, though a storm awaits. The trees are glorious in their muted greens and browns, bits of eye-popping yellow and orange emerging, but you can feel the stillness.

I think the brightness and color are almost ready to come out again. Call me madcap, but I see a parallel between my photos and my inner self. I see the optimism of infertility treatments, and I see the dashed hopes, and now I see myself opening the curtains, breathing life into my world. Getting braver.

I’m really in love with my husband now, perhaps it’s because I know it’s gonna be just him and me. I hold onto him tighter, I stay in bed longer, I laugh with him harder, I forgive him faster.

I’m taking this class again: Slice of Life Project – hopefully this time will be disciplined and have the time to throw myself into it!

P.S. Our trip to Utah was SO amazing, I’ll post some pics.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Three things. Ok, really it’s just one. BRAVERY.

I just signed the form, the one about “disposition of the embryos.” I actually had to sign it twice, this time because the first one was stolen out of my husband’s car. I thought it would/should feel earth-shaking to release them for the benefit of science, but as I muttered something about “the end of an era” the notary coolly asked for my thumbprint, and said “staple this to that.”  

Here’s what's up for me.  I want to
  1. tell my husband how he has enriched my life.
  2. stand up for my integrity and my opinions at work. I’ve been a weenie.
  3. have ‘check-ins’ with my husband to open up any issues before they get out of hand.
 It’s about bravery, and about being real. Being authentic. Is it ever hard for you? It takes a lot of fearlessness to live through infertility. Now, it’s as if all my strength has gone to infertility, and I’m more fearful in other areas of my life. Afraid to lead, afraid of being wrong, or looking stupid or silly. Am I just too tired to deal with fighting any more battles? Can't handle one more bruise? Perhaps its the string of failures that makes it harder for me to believe in myself.

The one area I feel more confident right now is the one that used to really scare me: putting my photographs out in the world. I have 3 pieces up at a show this week, and had 2 shows in April, and now my chiropractor wants to use my prints to decorate his office (and support my photography). I feel movement here – something stirring, and it’s not a baby. It’s me, living my life.