Thursday, April 29, 2010

What if?

What if buying our house means we can't have a baby?? Because, for us, we can't just have a baby, we need to buy the opportunity for one.

I feel guilt, to be honest, that I put my wants above our plans for a family. But heck, I've been a renter my entire life. I took it as a sign to say yes to the house when the call saying our offer was accepted came just 30 minutes after the news of the miscarriage. One big NO (baby), one big YES (house).

"Walk through the open door," I told myself. Just go.

Though our quest for mommy and daddyhood may still work out, adoption and surrogacy are paths that require huge investments of time and money, both of which which we are running out of.

As we get older, it seems that our life choices can become more limiting, and options come down to this OR that. Not this AND that one later. I think we are already in 'later.' In fact, later may have already happened. I don't know what's next, and that's the scariest part of all. At least while you're in the middle of infertility treatment cycles and trying, it feels as if you are moving forward. Now we are in a space of not knowing what's next.

The facts: we've spent (it's hard to add it up -- it frightens me) something like $60,000 and 9 years of our lives. Years that I put my career last, and put my health and body and trying for a baby first. Almost a DECADE. And we are inching close to being out of money and out of time.

What if infertility treatments gave me too much of an illusion of control of where my life would go?

But better yet: What if my life will turn out exactly as it should?

This, my friends, is what I believe today.

This post is part of the WHAT IF project, part of National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24th–May 1st).Read more about how infertility affects the lives of women on this blog For more information on infertility, go to infertility101, and for info on National Infertility Awareness Week,

1 comment:

  1. Oh, I believe without a doubt that it will turn out exactly as it should. I think there will come a time, at some point in the future, where you will look around and say, "Of course! This was where I was coming to all along."