Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Letting go and Digging in, all at the same time.

In the movie “Eat, Pray, Love,” Elizabeth walks away from the center of a party (and her husband) to go watch her best friend change her baby’s diaper. “How did you know you wanted to be a mom,” she asks. The friend pulls out a hope chest from under the bed, filled with adorable baby clothes. Elizabeth doesn’t pine for the baby clothes, and says how her box was filled with issues of National Geographic and dreams of travel.

What do you do if you are a mix of these two people? I know it’s not “either – or”, but yet… I feel continually torn. It’s funny to me that I went as far as I did with infertility – 9 years, 3-4  surgeries, endless rounds of tests and cycles of IUI, IVF with an egg donor, and finally embryo transplants (3 cycles) with donated embryos, and 4 miscarriages.

It’s true, I still have not closed this chapter of my life. I have a counseling session this week, we’ll see if I can come to some conclusion – but my prediction is that I’ll spend 50 minutes inside her office sobbing like a crazy woman.

It’s a new year.

But it feels a bit too much like the old one.

The struggle of infertility actually brought my man and I closer together, in spite of the stress and broken dreams. Now, our marriage is… well….edgy, for lack of a better word. Here are some more words: volatile, loving, fun, stressful, warmly intimate and real, routine, exciting, grounded, healthy, angry.

What’s the good news? I skied moguls this weekend. It was SO great to feel the strength of my body, to be outdoors with him and just PLAY god darn it. We needed it. Being in my body really helps my focus and helps my whole demeanor, and I’m so grateful to have the health and means to do it. Friends built a snow saucer/toboggan track, and the 10 year old girls enabled me to flip upside down, laugh, go fast, fall in the snow and just let go….

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