Thursday, January 20, 2011


When I asked Mom, “what would you like, toast or yogurt for breakfast?” she said, “anything, dear.” When I asked if she’d like to go to the art museum or a walk along the beach? You guessed it. “Whatever you’d like, I’m easy.”  

I learned something about myself. I suck at decision-making too (though perhaps I'm not THAT bad). And it’s hard for me to let go of things. I can’t even let go of magazines easily (my husband once did an intervention, and gathered magazines from around the house, and placed them at my feet on the kitchen floor. Yes, they covered the kitchen floor.) Is it a wonder I can’t seem to let go of the last 2 embryos? It’s all about dreams, what’ if’s.

Yesterday I think I took my last pre-natal vitamin (after 9 years).

Here’s what I’m learning:

-         I’m making this all about THE BIG CHOICE. Not just the one about tossing or using the embryos, but motherhood yes or no, adoption or child-free living. Then the choice gets too scary, and I don’t choose.   
-         I’ve been holding it in, not talking to my man. It’s time to talk. In fact, it’s time to get away for the weekend! We leave Saturday morning for a favorite spot in the wine country.  
-         I recognize there will be opportunities as a result of my choice. Yes, this IS final, and yes, it will be the end of something, but then there are beginnings, other ways to have children, other ways to live life.
-         There’s no right or wrong decision. I just need (we just need) to make a no-regrets choice. If I can let go of the embryos without regret, I will. If not, do we’ll do another cycle, and know we’ve done it all. Then check-in with myself, and make another decision. That’s what keeps it moving forward. Incremental change.
-         Also, the answer to the question “do I want to have kids” changes depending in where I’m at in my life. I’ve been on the infertility train for a long time, and I’m drawn to wanting to be a success. I now grant myself the freedom to take a new look inside, and see what’s changed, what hasn’t, so I can make a decision based on what’s real for me and us today.


  1. It sure sounds like you are getting to a good place.

    I think the human part of us will always wonder ... What if? ... in every difficult decision. It's the not knowing, for me.

    Our decision was to have children and to not think of the way we did it as second best. We went in to our second IVF knowing it was a long shot ... but also knowing that we would also be starting adoption procedures at the same time.

    Had we gone the adoption route I know it would have been easier for me than my husband ... I been raised in a divorced family with my stepmother and dad ... I'm closer to her than my biological mother and we always had foster children living with us ... adoption seemed a natural for me ... especially in light of the fact that I'm so close to the mom I'm NOT genetically related to.

    I wish you much luck and happines with your decision.

  2. Oh, gosh, I'm like that with magazines, too.

    It is only as I've gotten older that I have begun to feel the weight of choices--in my 20s it seemed like every choice was "now" or "maybe later," never really "yes" or "no."

    You're a very wise woman, Andrea. Whatever choices you make, I have no doubt you will thrive.

  3. Sometimes I'm too definitive in my decisions I think. I make one, and I don't want to sway from it. I guess it's all about finding a balance right?

  4. I for one, am never satisfied with my choice. I should have ordered the chicken, not the beef, kinda thing. I moved cross country 6 times, and am about to do it again. So the whole kid thing has been a big hurdle in my life. You seem to be in a much better place than I am!
    *here for iclw*