I learned something about myself. I suck at decision-making too (though perhaps I'm not THAT bad). And it’s hard for me to let go of things. I can’t even let go of magazines easily (my husband once did an intervention, and gathered magazines from around the house, and placed them at my feet on the kitchen floor. Yes, they covered the kitchen floor.) Is it a wonder I can’t seem to let go of the last 2 embryos? It’s all about dreams, what’ if’s.
Yesterday I think I took my last pre-natal vitamin (after 9 years).
Here’s what I’m learning:
- I’m making this all about THE BIG CHOICE. Not just the one about tossing or using the embryos, but motherhood yes or no, adoption or child-free living. Then the choice gets too scary, and I don’t choose.
- I’ve been holding it in, not talking to my man. It’s time to talk. In fact, it’s time to get away for the weekend! We leave Saturday morning for a favorite spot in the wine country.
- I recognize there will be opportunities as a result of my choice. Yes, this IS final, and yes, it will be the end of something, but then there are beginnings, other ways to have children, other ways to live life.
- There’s no right or wrong decision. I just need (we just need) to make a no-regrets choice. If I can let go of the embryos without regret, I will. If not, do we’ll do another cycle, and know we’ve done it all. Then check-in with myself, and make another decision. That’s what keeps it moving forward. Incremental change.
- Also, the answer to the question “do I want to have kids” changes depending in where I’m at in my life. I’ve been on the infertility train for a long time, and I’m drawn to wanting to be a success. I now grant myself the freedom to take a new look inside, and see what’s changed, what hasn’t, so I can make a decision based on what’s real for me and us today.