The words that came out of us (over a champagne lunch) were: love, awesome mom, obsessed, let go, sorry, and yes - another glass of wine, please.
My best friend was trying so hard to understand my choices and my drive to have a baby, to have a family. Maybe to people outside of the IF circle it does seem a bit crazy and obsessed. It still stung a little to hear the word. Obsessed. Really? Me? The person who didn't even know she wanted a family until too late?
When you choose what you want to create, must you answer "why?" Can it simply be something you know, like you know you like chocolate, or you know you like the beach better than the mountain. I can't say I dreamt of it all my life, nor that I always knew it would happen. For me, the child question was either a bit of a blank space or at times, a no. Until the day I closed my eyes, and really asked myself, deep inside, and saw in my mind's eye a little arm reaching out.
I still haven't gone deep with myself to check in, as if I'm afraid of the answer. I don't know that the little arm will still be there. But just maybe it will be something else, something that will point me in the right direction.
I'm sorry ya'll! I still have not let go of motherhood, but also haven't moved forward to make anything happen. Still in limbo. So that's why I haven't written. But I'm back, and writing helps me clear my head. Thanks for allowing me this space to ask, and answer, some important questions.
I often start writing a post looking for suggestions and finish the post with the answer. I hope you find your answers!
ReplyDeleteI always find that writing often helps me clear my head. Good luck finding your answers. And don't worry if the details don't come. You don't need them. You know yourself and know what is most important to you. Not everyone has to understand.
ReplyDeleteICLW #6
My blog has been the best free therapy ever. I always feel better when I have finished venting.
ReplyDeleteI know when I write, as you well witnessed (and were so sweet to comment and comfort), it's me thinking through what's happening to me. Even if most of the time I think it's just going on in my head more than playing out for others to see and understand.
ReplyDeleteWhat I've come to see on my journey is that choice or no choice, infertility is kind of like a ghost. Maybe you don't always see it but it lurks around and that it's hard to shake off that haunted feeling. Some days are so bright it can't be seen and other times it's a real as a person standing before me.
Thank you for thinking of me and know that I am thinking of you, too. Each of our journeys is so unique and I wish you all the best to find your way.
Hugs,
Lily
over from ICLW--very interesting post. I think why is a question that often comes up during our long IF quests, but no one but yourself really needs to understand the answer, if you can even pinpoint one. Good luck as your explore this limbo stage and determine your next steps.
ReplyDeletewriting has been my refuge. you are very good at it, so i hope your writing leads you to answers. thinking of you and sending you love and light. have a great iclw week!
ReplyDeleteBravo, thunderous applause and accolades...whatever happens going forward. Your deepest self does know and that you have the will and courage to listen to it promises so very much good.
ReplyDeleteWhy? Because it is a need not a want.
ReplyDeleteOver from ICLW and hope to read more from you, sending love and dust
xxxxx
Just because... that's why.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, and make sure you follow your dreams!
ICLW
I love how my blog is a great outlet for my thoughts and feelings, even though sometimes I don't come to a final answer it just feels good to get it off my chest
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW
#85
What a great post and the picture is a great message!
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW
#122
I know that feeling of stasis. You can't unlearn trying to conceive, it's always there lingering. We've spent the last 3+ years stuck knowing that something was keeping us from conceiving but not being able to move forward to find out what that is. We're just now getting to our first infertility appointment this next week so it seems like we finally may be seeing some forward momentum! I hope that the same finds it's way to your life soon. Have a great week from ICLW #56!
ReplyDeleteHere from ICLW: Ahhh, the joys of limbo. I've been here for a long time now, and I have to say it's quite comfy. But, alas, the motherhood "obsession" creeps in every now and then moving me forward. Here's to hoping that we both get something out of our obsessiveness soon. :-)
ReplyDeletei am similar. i wasn't really sure that i wanted to have kids until apparently my eggs were too old at a somewhat too young of an age. i feel like that arm is still there, reaching out to you. i saw a baby in my dreams the other night and i just can't wait to hold him/her. but i do understand being in limbo. and sometimes is really nice to be there. stopping by from ICLW (#47)
ReplyDeletebeing in limbo isn't always a bad place to be, it can give us a chance to look at decisions and think about things without having to actually make a decision. I hope that you continue to write and feel better!
ReplyDelete#24
I was aked the 'why' question too, and it's a hard one to answer. I think the fertile world doesn't understand the enormity of the alternative, simply because they've never had to think about it.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find your answers...
ICLW
you don't have to know why, the why isn't always the important part. sometimes desire just is. I hope that you find whichever way out of limbo is the best one for you.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can make a choice soon. It's definitely not an easy one! Good luck. ICLW.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find the answers you are looking for.
ReplyDeleteICLW
Someone else said it---just because. In the human heart there is audacious longing. It's there for a reason. We can choose to pursue that longing, or not. So, the question is--if we choose not to, can we be content with that? Can we live a joyful life without pursuing that longing in our hearts?
ReplyDeleteI hope you come to a conclusion that honors your desire and the longing within you. Best wishes.
Wanting to be a mother or describing motherhood to someone is like trying to describe salt. There are no adequate words. It's just something you know you want deep inside you.
ReplyDeleteI love that you used the word CREATE. It's so true. In the fabric of our souls lies a desire to create something.
For me, for you, for many others commenting especially with ICLW, that CREATE has to do with a family.
Sending hugs.
yeah...I get "but whys?" a lot. Or I did in the past. Now I'm at a weird new place and not wanting to check in with myself either. I always wanted to have kids (I think...)and now at 30 I have four daughters. Three bio, one adopted, but only one bio living. I'm kinda just wanting to take off to wine country myself. ICLW.
ReplyDeletethank you all for your insightful comments!
ReplyDeleteStopping by from ICLW. I've always been a bit of an obsessive person. No one else ever really understands why I do the things I do whether its train for marathons, get in the best shape of my life, start writing a book, etc, etc, etc. When they ask "why?" I say, "because I want to." As long as you want to, then that is reason enough! Good luck.
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautifully written post.
My DH keeps telling me I am becoming 'obsessed' with having a baby...I figure if he doesn't fully get it, then no one else is going to either! But I know why I keep plugging away...and it sounds like you do too. Best of luck.xx
Stopping in from ICLW...I've heard the obsessed line, too. Someone who commented previously said it better than I could, but I agree that we were all meant to "create" something. Most people have a choice about what that something is, and whether or not they create children. When that choice is taken away from you, and when it is what you long for, it is all-consuming. From the outside it looks like obsession, but from the inside I believe it is a search for healing. To find what makes us whole.
ReplyDeleteI spent a long time in limbo, too - and a dear friend of mine told me that when the time was right, I would just know. That I would feel a sense of urgency about which way to go. And surprisingly, I did!
Hoping that you, too, are able to find your answers. And also that you don't let anyone make you feel guilty for following the desire of your heart, whichever direction it may be.
My mother has told me I get obsessed too. I talked to my psychiatrist about it because I was starting to feel like I was abnormal and she said that every woman she has cared for who has been trying to have a family, and even moreso the ones who are pursuing treatment are for lack of a better word, "obsessed". She said it is not unhealthy to be focused on it and putting 110% into it, but you do become so focused on it because it is so important, and it does begin to help define who you are.
ReplyDeleteI always thought something was wrong, before I even was sexually active, and when we found out for sure something was wrong, it didn't feel too strange being a member of club infertile. It sucks for sure, but we're a pretty strong and supportive little group, and whatever direction you go, we'll be there to support you!
Happy ICLW!
I haven't yet figured out or distinguished notions such as obsession, acceptance, advocacy, optimism, healing, impatience and treatment. None of these are really adequate anyway at describing states of being during infertility. Like you, I did not already or always know if I wanted to parent. The decision has flipped and cannot be any easier, limbo on this end is so much worse and I am sorry you are stuck there. I am glad I found your blog today and hope you continue writing your thoughts. ICLW.
ReplyDeleteI often frequent an adoption discussion site, and I HATE it when the anti-adoption group there brand us as CRAZY INFERTILES. they git no idea how it feels. If you havent experienced it, you WILL NEVER know how it feels.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong in wanting to be a mother.
ICLW.
Here from ICLW.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find peace with whatever decisions you make. Good luck!
Limbo isn't an easy place, but it's a good place to be until you figure the rest out. To reiterate what C said, wanting to be a mother is very natural and almost inate in most women. Embrace and stay strong.
ReplyDelete