tease, tenacious

So I've been not-pregnant pregnant for longer than I've been pregnant. Yes, I'm still testing positive for pregnancy, though it's been almost two months since the miscarriage. Tenacious cells, they are not giving up. It's comforting in some silly way that they are fighters, but the fight was lost weeks ago.

"BEDREST" "BE STILL" "NO EXERCISE, NONE!"

That's what women friends who've had babies say I should have done. The doc says no, we needed blood flow through your body, we wanted you to live normally, just don't run a marathon. (important subtext: it wasn't your fault)

I am running a marathon, but not the regular kind. The fertility marathon keeps you running and striving and working towards a goal, towards a new life. But the training has been tough; the lost battles leave me tired but still amazingly functional. But it's harder and harder to believe in the goal.

I have a secret to tell you. I'm wondering what it would be like to stop. I'm not saying I want to. I"m just imagining a life without this struggle.

All I know is this: it's time for a clearing. A tossing, a freshness, a space for good stuff, for change, for me, for us. Room for friends on a deck in the sun. Room for a dog. Room for leaving behind the bad habits. Room for deep breathing, summer berries, bar stools, magazines and a chaise lounge.