Choosing

When I asked Mom, “what would you like, toast or yogurt for breakfast?” she said, “anything, dear.” When I asked if she’d like to go to the art museum or a walk along the beach? You guessed it. “Whatever you’d like, I’m easy.”  

I learned something about myself. I suck at decision-making too (though perhaps I'm not THAT bad). And it’s hard for me to let go of things. I can’t even let go of magazines easily (my husband once did an intervention, and gathered magazines from around the house, and placed them at my feet on the kitchen floor. Yes, they covered the kitchen floor.) Is it a wonder I can’t seem to let go of the last 2 embryos? It’s all about dreams, what’ if’s.

Yesterday I think I took my last pre-natal vitamin (after 9 years).

Here’s what I’m learning:

-         I’m making this all about THE BIG CHOICE. Not just the one about tossing or using the embryos, but motherhood yes or no, adoption or child-free living. Then the choice gets too scary, and I don’t choose.   

-         I’ve been holding it in, not talking to my man. It’s time to talk. In fact, it’s time to get away for the weekend! We leave Saturday morning for a favorite spot in the wine country.  

-         I recognize there will be opportunities as a result of my choice. Yes, this IS final, and yes, it will be the end of something, but then there are beginnings, other ways to have children, other ways to live life.

-         There’s no right or wrong decision. I just need (we just need) to make a no-regrets choice. If I can let go of the embryos without regret, I will. If not, do we’ll do another cycle, and know we’ve done it all. Then check-in with myself, and make another decision. That’s what keeps it moving forward. Incremental change.

-         Also, the answer to the question “do I want to have kids” changes depending in where I’m at in my life. I’ve been on the infertility train for a long time, and I’m drawn to wanting to be a success. I now grant myself the freedom to take a new look inside, and see what’s changed, what hasn’t, so I can make a decision based on what’s real for me and us today.

Letting go and Digging in, all at the same time.

In the movie “Eat, Pray, Love,” Elizabeth walks away from the center of a party (and her husband) to go watch her best friend change her baby’s diaper. “How did you know you wanted to be a mom,” she asks. The friend pulls out a hope chest from under the bed, filled with adorable baby clothes. Elizabeth doesn’t pine for the baby clothes, and says how her box was filled with issues of National Geographic and dreams of travel.

What do you do if you are a mix of these two people? I know it’s not “either – or”, but yet… I feel continually torn. It’s funny to me that I went as far as I did with infertility – 9 years, 3-4  surgeries, endless rounds of tests and cycles of IUI, IVF with an egg donor, and finally embryo transplants (3 cycles) with donated embryos, and 4 miscarriages.

It’s true, I still have not closed this chapter of my life. I have a counseling session this week, we’ll see if I can come to some conclusion – but my prediction is that I’ll spend 50 minutes inside her office sobbing like a crazy woman.

It’s a new year.

But it feels a bit too much like the old one.

The struggle of infertility actually brought my man and I closer together, in spite of the stress and broken dreams. Now, our marriage is… well….edgy, for lack of a better word. Here are some more words: volatile, loving, fun, stressful, warmly intimate and real, routine, exciting, grounded, healthy, angry.

What’s the good news? I skied moguls this weekend. It was SO great to feel the strength of my body, to be outdoors with him and just PLAY god darn it. We needed it. Being in my body really helps my focus and helps my whole demeanor, and I’m so grateful to have the health and means to do it. Friends built a snow saucer/toboggan track, and the 10 year old girls enabled me to flip upside down, laugh, go fast, fall in the snow and just let go….