Thursday, September 30, 2010

Needles, schmeedles. I'm having fun.

A full moon.
A warm night.
Eating expensive hot dogs with my man at Giants Stadium while
Sharing a simulcast opera experience (Aida) with 30,000 people.

I feel good. Been living my life lately, and getting back to what I like – biking on the coast, walking in the park, having dinner with friends on the deck, watching my night-blooming cereus blossoms open, enjoying wine with the girls, museum hopping, and learning how to dance Bollywood style.

Am I distracting myself from the REAL QUESTION? Sure.

My man is interested in adopting. He didn’t at first when we began all of this, but he’s had a change of heart. Guess watching your wife go through 4 miscarriages will do that.

Not sure how I feel, so I thought maybe it’s time to call in for help. Maybe a session with a therapist who specializes in infertility would help me/us sort all this out; it’s a huge decision, after all. He didn’t exactly understand the point of it, though.

I’m back to the REAL QUESTION: How does one know when enough is enough?

Last year when I went to my dentist for a crown, he began the process with a needle filled with dripping novocaine. Then another. And another. I’d wait for my mouth to feel “big”. Then he'd test. ZING!! Then another shot. And, yes, another. Then he said “OK. Today is just not our day. Let’s stop here and reschedule.”

As tempting as it was – just one more – I’m sure the next one will work --- he stopped. The next time I was nervous as hell, but realized he was right. Two shots, two tries, and we were good to go.

Well, the last 9 years have “not been my day”, at least as far as fertility goes.Now, my needles and syringes and alcohol pads and vials are in a brown box by the bed.

He was smart to stop the shots.
Would I be smart, or foolish, to stop??


  1. Hi Andrea! I found your blog on the ICLW list.

    If when you dream of being parents, you're filled with joy and energy, and you know that you can keep on the journey without pushing against whatever obstacles may come your way, then I think it would be foolish to stop. Only when the dream wears you down and it's something you're making yourself endure, trying to force something in to being, would it not serve you to keep going.

    That's just my outsider - and perhaps unsolicited - opinion. If you asked that rhetorically, I apologize.

    I've read a few of your posts and they've been sweet and well-written.

    I really wish you the best! You know the way.

  2. Compared to you I'm a complete newbie to the world of infertility. I think it must be extremely difficult to know when to stop and I really feel for you.

    I've just found your blog through ICLW. I've read many of your posts and I think it's fantastic. You convey your thoughts and feelings beautifully with minimal words.

    I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through.


  3. I don't when enough is enough. All I know is that I am terrified right now - terrified that I won't know when to to stop and that IF will eat me up and destroy me, and my marriage.



  4. so sorry for your miscarriages. its hard to know when to say when and move down a different road. but you will find the right road. glad you are enjoying YOU. its important in this journey!

    happy ICLW (#31)

  5. I hope a bright light shines on your path forward. Only you the man will know when it's time to stop.