It’s not that bad living here right now, in the land of in-between. This is the space I’m in after nine years of infertility treatments and not knowing what’s next. It’s not too bad, this land of no needles, no blood tests, no crazy insane mood swings, no extreme fluctuations of breast and belly sizes (my friends HAVE been noticing), and no numbers that excite then disappoint.
This is where my man and I reconnect in new ways, and wonder what our lives will turn out like. Will we be happy with a baby? Happy without a baby? We are fortunate to have some choices left, like adoption. But it feels the power of choice is a burden. Is it really up to me to make this choice? What if it comes down to being simply too tired to fight the battle to build a family, or what if I’m just too broke?
I’m thinking of doing this "dreamlab" to open my mind and heart a bit to make a decision I’m honestly kind of scared to make.
For now, we’re painting the back room (that was a baby room.) Out with the yellow; in with soft gray. For now, it will be our TV room. After all, paint is cheap. We can always go back to yellow, and reenter the land of hope.
photo: from the train window, france 2009
I understand where you are coming from Andrea and I am sorry-It took us 8 years to get our sweet girl. As an adopted child myself and also adopting children and embryos-feeling led by God the entire way. Praying that He leads you in a happy journey no matter which way you decide. BIG HUGS!
ReplyDeleteEmbieadoptmom, I feel your kindness.... and really continue to be so happy for you. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your thoughtful post while I'm adding another m/c to my infertility rap sheet. I'm so sorry for all of your losses, too, because they never do go away.
ReplyDeleteI also truly appreciate your very honest and raw assessments of this incredibly mixed bag of feelings infertility brings. Just when I think I've got it all figured out - bam! another curve ball. At least I know I have stellar teammates. :)
Hugs,
Lily - The Infertile Mind