Is anybody in there?

There are a few rules after an embryo transfer: Basically: take it easy, no alcohol or caffeine, no lifting, and no sex. Specifically, no orgasms. At all. It’s like someone telling you DON'T LOOK AT THE GIANT PINK ELEPHANT. How can you not look?? So, only a mere 8 hours after the transfer, in the middle of the night, I can’t resist it. The orgasm comes in my dream, and I wake myself up as it’s happening. “no NO! Dr. H said no contractions yet, it’s too soon!!!”

Apparently, embryo transfers make me feel sexy or something, because the next night I dream about B’s penis. In it, we’re in an auditorium, watching a show, red velvet seats and all. He says he wants to move up to see if he can get a better seat. Sure, I say. I’ll wait here. Just leave your penis with me. And he does. All of me is clothed, except the penis. It’s rather dark, but nonetheless, I cover his/my penis with my hand... and it’s on with the show.

You would think I’d be having dreams about children, about babies, about holding them in your lap, about how they know the tamber of your voice, the touch of your skin, the sound of your voice. I dream all this in the daytime. In between meditations and work and feeling not bad. Feeling not nauseous, not big-bellied, not pregnent. “It’s fine,” the nurse says. “Most women don't even know they are pregnant yet at this stage!” I say yes, you’re so right. And then I go online to order the cute maternity pencil skirt with the orange and rust colored pattern. Now I feel better.