Monday, January 25, 2010


It’s strong. It’s often right on. It’s the thing I rely on ... but yet often dismiss. A few incidents where I failed to follow my intuition had me driving into Reno, Nevada not Lake Tahoe, California, when I missed the right turnoff (after ignoring the nagging voice that told me to turn on the navigation system). Just as I eased off the gas pedal (after ignoring the idea of slowing and using cruise control) I was greeted with flashing lights and a very expensive speeding ticket.

After these and more lessons about following my intuition I renewed my commitment to listen harder to that voice. The day of the pregnancy test last week, I felt calm and grounded, and prepared for any outcome. But when she put the needle in, I suddenly started sobbing. I knew I was not pregnant. The young woman drawing my blood looked into my eyes, and unwaveringly said, “You’re pregnant, I just know it.” Well, that wasn’t exactly a professional answer since it would be 6 more hours until the test results would come in. She then told me a story about her aunt and uncle who were trying to conceive for something like 18 years, and yes, they did conceive, exactly when they moved on, and bought themselves the house of their dreams. I asked her what the moral of the story was. She said “Spend a lot of money today.”

Though I didn't buy a house or a new car, my test numbers came in: the goal was over 50. My number: 150. Blood test number 2? The goal was 300. My number: 600. I was officially pregnant.

Saturday, after a week of rain, I walked slowly for an hour an a half. I drank in the pink and blue light dancing on the estuary, listened to the terns and watched the egrets. It was stunningly beautiful. Then I started bleeding. I cramped, and I was cold; so cold I sat under a blanket with 2 sweaters and the heat turned up, but it took me 3 hours to warm up.

It’s hard to stay focused in the present, when I've tried for so many years, and pregnancy feels like the thinnest thread connecting me to another young life. I have nightmares about miscarriage, and count the days to when I’’ll get past the longest I’ve been pregnant before (14 weeks). I thought I could be miscarrying and asked for another blood test. WRONG. again. I was blissfully, absolutely wrong. Today’s number? 11,000. That’s strong. That’s very pregnant.

It makes me wonder: Can intuition be that wrong? Did mine just get confused by fear? Has your intuition ever been wrong?

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