Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Three things. Ok, really it’s just one. BRAVERY.

I just signed the form, the one about “disposition of the embryos.” I actually had to sign it twice, this time because the first one was stolen out of my husband’s car. I thought it would/should feel earth-shaking to release them for the benefit of science, but as I muttered something about “the end of an era” the notary coolly asked for my thumbprint, and said “staple this to that.”  

Here’s what's up for me.  I want to
  1. tell my husband how he has enriched my life.
  2. stand up for my integrity and my opinions at work. I’ve been a weenie.
  3. have ‘check-ins’ with my husband to open up any issues before they get out of hand.
 It’s about bravery, and about being real. Being authentic. Is it ever hard for you? It takes a lot of fearlessness to live through infertility. Now, it’s as if all my strength has gone to infertility, and I’m more fearful in other areas of my life. Afraid to lead, afraid of being wrong, or looking stupid or silly. Am I just too tired to deal with fighting any more battles? Can't handle one more bruise? Perhaps its the string of failures that makes it harder for me to believe in myself.

The one area I feel more confident right now is the one that used to really scare me: putting my photographs out in the world. I have 3 pieces up at a show this week, and had 2 shows in April, and now my chiropractor wants to use my prints to decorate his office (and support my photography). I feel movement here – something stirring, and it’s not a baby. It’s me, living my life.

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